What's Been Through My Box:   @  Stealee.US







Subj: FISHING
Date: 7/21/03 10:34:13 AM
From: Fireandice0143


GUY FROM TEXAS

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big
"everything under one roof"
department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job
"You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one?

Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, $101,237.64

The boss says, $101,237.64

What the hell did you sell?"

The Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,
so I told him he was gonna need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The Kid says, No,
He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,

Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.





A must read for people over 25 yrs of age.

All people over 25 should be dead.

To the survivors:

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats,
those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's,and 70's
probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets,
and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.
(Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!

We shared one soft drink with four friends,
from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it,
but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day,
as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill,
only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times,
we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all,
no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers,
or Internet chat rooms.

We had friends! We went outside and found them.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth,
and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms,
and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes,
nor did the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door,
or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them!

Congratulations.

Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors?





From: Dwight
Sent: Tuesday, July 29, 2003 2:27 PM
Subject: Golf, Anyone?

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity
and people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV?

The following may shed some light:

Golf is an honorable game,
with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people
who don't need referees.
Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.
Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at other people.
Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play.
Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight
when they travel between tournaments.
Golfers don't hold out for more money,
or demand new contracts because of another player's deal.
Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay
for the courses on which they play.
When golfers make a mistake,
nobody is there to cover for them or back them up.
The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year
than the National Football League does in two.
You can watch the best golfers in the world up close,
at any tournament,
including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30.
The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl
will cost around $300 or more.
You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course,
watch the best in the world
and not spend a small fortune on food and drink.
Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums.
I brought a Coke into Oriole Park at Camden Yards last year,
and an usher came to my seat
and told me I had to dispose of it or I would not be allowed to stay

In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season,
like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.
Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans.
Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
Golf doesn't have free agency.
In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you.
In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read
"Leave Me Alone."
You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
Ladies are welcome players.
At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas)
you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a baseball.
Golf Courses don't ruin the neighborhood.

Finally, here's a slice of golf history I thought you might enjoy.

Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an even dozen?

During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858,
one of the members pointed out that
it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch.
By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole,
the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.





Subj: A Driving Tip
Date: 7/30/03 12:15:08
From: shamusmtb

Why Math is Taught in School

by A Very Wise Man

I was riding to work yesterday
when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck,
causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough
that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I   ALWAYS   smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner
whenever a female does anything to me in traffic,

and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.

Of these,
16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile,
or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper,
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like
36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females,
1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan,
70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health,
22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association,
5% of all females carry weapons,
and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY,
I drive past at least

one female that has a lousy love life,

thinks men are her biggest problem,

has seriously considered suicide or homicide,

has PMS,

and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not..





Subj: Only in America
Date: 5/15/03 11:38:06 PM

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe,
why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once,





THE CLASS OF 2005

Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today,
this will certainly change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list
to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably
did not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.

They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The statement "You sound like a broken record"
means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8 track.
The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels,
nor have they seen a black and white TV.

They have always had cable.

There have always been VCRs,
but they have no idea what BETA was.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is,
or know about the "Help me,
I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.

Feeling old Yet? There's more:

They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

Roller skating has always meant inline for them.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them
as W.W.I, W.W.II and the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
(The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)

They never heard: "Where's the beef?",
"I'd walk a mile for a Camel,"
or "De plane, de plane!"

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands.

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.




From: Jeffdetmer

Date: 6/19/03

Subject: Gorilla

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,
there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and
a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the gorilla falls off,
the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The gorilla will then be subdued enough
for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?"
asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."




From: Judy Mayernick

Sent: Monday, June 09, 2003 1:22 PM
Subject: Bells

Zebediah was in the fertilized-egg business.
He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters,
whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well
went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of Zeb's time;
so,
Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell,
from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster.
A very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!

Zeb went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing!
The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation.

The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize
but also the Pulletsurprise.





From: Johnny Sears

Sent: Tuesday, May 20, 2003 1:08 PM
Subject: What makes 100%?

From a strictly mathmatical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give more than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%?

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathmatical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If
A- B- C- D- E- F- G- H- I- J- K- L- M- N- O- P- Q- R- S- T- U- V- W- X- Y- Z

is represented as:

1- 2- 3- 4- 5- 6- 7- 8- 9- 10- 11- 12- 13- 14- 15 - 16- 17- 18- 19- 20- 21- 22- 23- 24- 25- 26

Then:

H- A- R- D- W- O- R- K

8+1 + 18 + 4 +23 + 15 + 18 +11=98%

and,

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5=100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

21+12+12+19+8+9+20=103%

And, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7=118%

So,one can then conclude with mathmatical certainity that:

While that hard work and knowledge will get you close,

And, Attitude will get you there,

Bullshit and asskissing will put you over the top!






Possibly the best chicken joke ever!

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse,
both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail,
for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW.
Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope,
hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised,
but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW,
and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car,
the chicken then drove slowly forward
and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud,
the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented:
best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit,
and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing"
and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip,
and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.


The moral of the story?


When you're hung like a horse,
you don't need a   BMW   to pick up chicks.







From:  ???

Sent: Tuesday, January 14, 2003 1:44 AM
Subject: 3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL.
THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30,
SO EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK
REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25,
SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.

ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO
SPLIT $5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN,
SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9
FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $27,
ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.

WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?





From:   GIG1962

Sent: Wednesday, May 07, 2003 10:11 AM
Subject: THE BLONDE FROM NEW YORK

A young woman in New York was so sad
that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

She went down to the docks
and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said,
"Look, you have so much to live for.
I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like,
I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all,
what did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection,
she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, " she explained.
"I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."


"He certainly is," the captain said.

"This is the Staten Island Ferry."





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