What's Been Through My Box: @ Stealee.US
Date: 7/21/03 10:34:13 AM
GUY FROM TEXAS
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to
"everything under one roof"
looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job
"You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and
see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one?
Our sales people average 20
or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, $101,237.64
The boss says, $101,237.64
What the hell did you sell?"
The Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a
larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
said down at the coast,
so I told him he was gonna
need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department
and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,
I took him down to the automotive department and sold
him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The Kid says, No,
He came in here to buy a box of
tampons for his wife and I said,
Well, your weekend's
shot, you might as well go fishing.
A must read for people over 25 yrs of age.
All people over 25 should be dead.
To the survivors:
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats,
those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's,and 70's
probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets,
and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.
(Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!
We shared one soft drink with four friends,
from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it,
but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day,
as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill,
only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times,
we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all,
no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers,
or Internet chat rooms.
We had friends! We went outside and found them.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth,
and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms,
and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes,
nor did the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door,
or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors?
Sent: Tuesday, July 29, 2003 2:27 PM
Subject: Golf, Anyone?
Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity
and people who don't even play
go to tournaments or watch it on TV?
The following may shed some
Golf is an honorable game,
with the overwhelming majority of players being
who don't need referees.
Golfers don't have some of their
players in jail every week.
Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf
Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at other people.
Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they
Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight
travel between tournaments.
Golfers don't hold out for more money,
new contracts because of another player's deal.
Professional golfers don't
demand that the taxpayers pay
for the courses on which they play.
golfers make a mistake,
nobody is there to cover for them or back them up.
The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year
than the National
Football League does in two.
You can watch the best golfers in the world up
at any tournament,
including the majors, all day, every day for $25
The cost for a seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl
cost around $300 or more.
You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament
watch the best in the world
and not spend a small fortune on
food and drink.
Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football
I brought a Coke into Oriole Park at Camden Yards last year,
an usher came to my seat
and told me I had to dispose of it or I would not
be allowed to stay
In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9
million a season,
like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.
Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans.
Golfers have to adapt to an
entirely new playing area each week.
Golfers keep their clothes on while
they are being interviewed.
Golf doesn't have free agency.
In their prime,
Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would shake your hand and say
they were happy to meet you.
In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that
"Leave Me Alone."
You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during
Ladies are welcome players.
At a golf tournament, (unlike at
taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and
you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name
calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
Tiger Woods can
hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry Bonds can hit a baseball.
Courses don't ruin the neighborhood.
Finally, here's a slice of golf history
I thought you might enjoy.
Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes,
and not 20, or 10 or an even dozen?
During a discussion among the club's
membership board at St. Andrews in 1858,
one of the members pointed out that
it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch.
himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole,
the Scot figured a round of
golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.
Subj: A Driving Tip
Date: 7/30/03 12:15:08
Why Math is Taught in School
by A Very Wise Man
I was riding to work yesterday
when I observed a female driver cut
right in front of a pickup truck,
causing him to have to drive on to
the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough
that he hung his arm out his
window and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner
whenever a female
does anything to me in traffic,
and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile,
or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper,
I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like
36,000 cars that I pass every
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women
In any given group of females,
1 in 28 has PMS.
According to Cosmopolitan,
70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding.
According to the National Institute of Health,
22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
According to the National Rifle Association,
5% of all females carry
and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY,
I drive past at least
one female that
has a lousy love life,
thinks men are her biggest problem,
seriously considered suicide or homicide,
and is armed.
Flip one off? ....... I think not..
Subj: Only in America
Date: 5/15/03 11:38:06 PM
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to
your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there
handicap parking places in front of a
3. Only in America......do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the
7. Only in America......do we use
answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a
call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot
dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the
word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin
'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have
drive-up ATM machines with Braille
Why the sun lightens our hair, but
darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you
have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial
and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved
tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two
Why do they sterilize the needle for
You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes?
they make the whole plane out of that
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when
they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe,
why do they call
the airport the terminal?
Now that you've smiled at least once,
THE CLASS OF 2005
Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today,
certainly change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in
Wisconsin puts together a list
to try to give the Faculty a sense of
the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.
Here is this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were
born in 1983.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably
did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember
the Cold War.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The statement "You sound like a broken record"
means nothing to
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track.
The Compact Disc was
introduced when they were 1 year old.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels,
nor have they
seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs,
but they have no idea what BETA was.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is,
or know about the
I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.
Feeling old Yet? There's more:
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them
as W.W.I, W.W.II and
the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
answer, by the way, is Ork)
They never heard: "Where's the beef?",
"I'd walk a mile for a
or "De plane, de plane!"
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in
the yellow pages and sure enough,
there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and
a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,
then I'm going to go up
there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.
gorilla falls off,
the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not
The gorilla will then be subdued enough
for me to put him in the
cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?"
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
From: Judy Mayernick
Sent: Monday, June 09, 2003 1:22 PM
Zebediah was in the fertilized-egg business.
He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters,
whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well
went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of Zeb's time;
Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell,
from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.
Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster.
A very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!
Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing!
The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation.
The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize
but also the Pulletsurprise.
From: Johnny Sears
Sent: Tuesday, May 20, 2003 1:08 PM
Subject: What makes 100%?
From a strictly mathmatical viewpoint it goes like this:
What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give more than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathmatical formula that might help you answer these
A- B- C- D- E- F- G- H- I- J- K- L- M- N- O- P- Q- R- S- T- U- V- W-
X- Y- Z
is represented as:
1- 2- 3- 4- 5- 6- 7- 8- 9- 10- 11- 12- 13- 14- 15 - 16- 17- 18- 19- 20-
21- 22- 23- 24- 25- 26
H- A- R- D- W- O- R- K
8+1 + 18 + 4 +23 + 15 + 18 +11=98%
And, look how far ass kissing will take you:
So,one can then conclude with mathmatical certainity that:
While that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
And, Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and asskissing will put you over the top!
Possibly the best chicken joke ever!
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse,
both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into
a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for
the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail,
for the farmer had
gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied
the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW.
Finding the keys inside, the chicken
sped off with a length of rope,
hoping he still had time to save his
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised,
but happy, to see the
chicken arrive in the shiny BMW,
and he managed to get a hold of the loop
of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the
rear bumper of the farmer's car,
the chicken then drove slowly forward
and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud,
the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
between the two animals was cemented:
best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit,
and soon, he
too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his
and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a
and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a horse,
you don't need a BMW to pick up
Sent: Tuesday, January 14, 2003 1:44 AM
Subject: 3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL
3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL.
THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30,
SO EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.
A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK
REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25,
SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.
ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO
SPLIT $5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN,
GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR HIMSELF.
THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9
FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $27,
ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.
WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?
Sent: Wednesday, May 07, 2003 10:11 AM
Subject: THE BLONDE FROM NEW YORK
A young woman in New York was so sad
that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the ocean.
She went down to the docks
and was about to leap into the frigid water
handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
pity on her and said,
"Look, you have so much to live for.
I'm off to Europe in
the morning, and if you like,
I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good
care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added,
"I'll keep you
happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all,
what did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start
in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her
aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three
sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection,
she was discovered by the
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement
with one of the sailors, " she explained.
"I get food and a trip to Europe, and
he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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